Relationship Anarchy & the Myth of One Significant Other

Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

This post is dedicated to TP, SK, BR, AS, SV, BH, SM, QW, JW, the R’s and of course, DTF, CF, & RF.

Often times, I feel like I talk about an idea, theory, or way of being that a lot of people find strange or extreme - radical, if you will. Well folks, today’s post isn’t gonna be any different.

As we continue to fall deeper and deeper in to, what can feel like, global chaos, I can’t help but keep thinking about this idea of Relationship Anarchy and how it might be one of the only things that can save us right now. I know, I know. I talk about community and collectivism, a lot. I truly believe that the only way we survive the violence of capitalistic greed, wealth hoarding, and imperialism is to intentionally strengthen and fortify our communities. The type of fortification that requires us to unlearn how we’ve been socialized to understand relationships within this white dominant culture.

So, what is Relationship Anarchy (RA)? It’s a philosophical approach to relationships that emphasizes autonomy, consent, and the rejection of rigid rules or hierarchies in how people relate to one another. Coined by Andie Nordgren in 2006, used at the OpenCon convention in 2010, and then popularized in 2012 by a Tumblr essay, Relationship Anarchy requires its practitioners to ignore conventional rules of how we relate to the people in our lives. This concept is most often applied and/or talked about when discussing romantic relationships. But not here. Here we’re gonna explore how RA can help us find collective liberation through intentional 1 to 1 interaction and commitments.

When we think of the phrase ‘significant other’ we are most often thinking about a romantic and/or sexual partnership. We put a lot of emphasis on the ideas of what a significant other should provide for us who choose to be in relationships, and often neglect the non-romantic relationships in our lives in service to building this idea of a singular significant other. For a handful of years, I’ve often wondered why my relationship with my husband is considered more important or valuable than my relationship with my closest friends. And that’s not to suggest that I don’t find my relationship with my husband extremely important, valuable, and magical - because I do. I also find my relationship with a few other key people just as important, valuable, and magical - just differently so.

So, what does Relationship Anarchy look like in practice? While I’m not an expert in this concept, I do think I’ve managed to find myself a part of a robust community of care where we share all manner of resources (tangible and otherwise) with one another. I have friends with whom I help make life decisions with like where to live, what medical decisions to make for our children, and that openly share financial and housing resources.

I recently had one of my Significant others (not my husband, but another intimate dear friend), share that they needed my opinion on unenrolling their child from college. We chatted through all of the options and what the consequences would look like. And we both agreed that it was best to move forward with a different plan of action for that child. This was a deliberate and collaborative decision between us - even though that child is not mine, biologically. But, as two people who actively engage in relationship anarchy, we’ve decided to live our lives in a way that wholly includes one another in our needs and care.

Another SO of mine (again, not my husband), has recently decided to move from the U.S., uprooting her family (husband, kids), and immigrating their way to Thailand. This decision was made after the four adults of our families chatted about what we need and want for one another and ourselves. Finally, she and I had a moment to chat and she was very clear: they are moving to Thailand because I (and my family) am there.

This is all Relationship Anarchy. Our community makes decisions as a collective and we understand the importance of including the larger community in much of decision making. This is because we’ve committed to the reality that love and care transcends the romantic and sexual. And, that if we are going to survive any of the violence that we are currently experiencing, we have to do it together. Period.

Some key principles of Relationship Anarchy include:

1. Love is abundant - The belief that love isn't a finite resource and having multiple meaningful relationships doesn't diminish any individual connection.

2. No hierarchy of relationships - Rejecting the idea that romantic/sexual relationships should automatically be prioritized over friendships or other bonds. Each relationship is valued for its unique qualities.

3. Customized commitments - Instead of following traditional relationship scripts, people negotiate their own agreements based on individual needs and desires.

4. Autonomy and consent - Each person maintains their independence and agency. Commitments are made freely rather than through obligation.

5. Communication and honesty - Open dialogue about needs, boundaries, and expectations rather than assuming standard relationship rules.

6. Rejection of entitlement - No one has automatic rights or claims over another person's time, affection, or life choices.

Relationship anarchy differs from other forms of non-traditional relationships, like polyamory, in that it questions all relationship norms and categories, not just monogamy. While some relationship anarchists practice non-monogamy, others may be monogamous but apply RA principles to how they view and structure all their relationships. It's all about making conscious, ethical choices in relationships rather than following default social scripts. And the reality is the current default social scripts are keeping us isolated, lonely, confused, and vulnerable. We are better ‘together’; whatever that means for you.

I’d encourage anyone reading this to really consider how you hold your closest relationships. I know that I am an emergency contact for many in my community. I have access to medical information, in case of emergency and they have the same info for me (and my family). The responsibility of care doesn’t fall solely on my husband, but on each of my Significant others. And I am safer, better resourced, more protected, and more liberated because of this anarchy.

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