Since I was 13, I’ve known that I’ve had romantic and sexual feelings for people of all gender expressions. I once told my cousins and their cousin about it. Their cousin told my aunt who told my mom who fussed and yelled at me until I cried and said that I was just joking. I didn’t want to be punished for it, because I didn’t know what ‘it’ was at the time, but I knew - deep down- it was true about me.
I had my first real girlfriend in college, dated a handful of women and men during that time. When I told my mom about my girlfriend, her response wasn’t any different than when I was 13. But this time, I was 21 and had different language to stand up for and defend myself and who I was. She still didn’t like it, and from there on out, any romantic relationship I’ve had with someone who is not a cis-man, I’ve kept from my family.
I don’t hold any judgment or ill-will towards my mom or my family. I have forgiven them and have a deep belief that as they’ve all learned more about the world, they continue to do and be better for the world and everyone in it. But I can’t help but examine what those feelings of hiding have done to my psyche.
It’s been hard this June. Celebrating PRIDE has been really tough to wrap my mind around this year. The last 2 years, I’ve been present at festivities and celebrations as a speaker and ally. It’s allowed me and my family to celebrate and enjoy, with a very clear reason as to WHY we were there. I didn’t have to think about my queerness, because I was there doing a job. But this year - that wasn’t the case. And what that leaves me with is a sinking feeling of incompleteness of self.
I don’t feel queer enough to occupy queer spaces. I am a cis-woman, married to a cis-man. The love that I have chosen to bound myself to, does not put my life in danger.
I’ve recently had a girlfriend, but that fizzled out, because she wasn’t right for me at this moment in my life. My husband is very supportive of however I need to express myself, but mostly we keep it quiet, as not to upset our families (also, it’s not really anyone’s business.
But.
I often feel like I just can't take up space in the queersphere. I feel like I’m not really pansexual, because as a cis-woman, I chose to marry a cis-man (and I’d make the choice to marry him a thousand times over). I find myself mourning. Mourning the ‘what ifs’ and the community I feel like I’ve missed out on. Intellectually, I know that none of that is true and how I express myself and sexuality can’t be wrong, it can only be mine. But I’m human.
Queerness is a small scale personal term, couched in a large scale communal understanding. Someone is queer, if they say they are. Dassit. It defines how we see and understand the world, who and how we love and express ourselves, and encompasses political and social ideals and norms. It’s a broad term and idea that has very personal meaning and consequences. It is our responsibility to continue to make space for queerness in all the ways it shows up for people. We make space for everyone to celebrate and explore their queerness. We elevate the challenges of those of us who experience hate and violence because of their queerness and we work to stop it, at all costs. We allow people to wrestle with their queerness without judgment, but with encouragement and celebration. I am queer. And, I think I might FINALLY celebrate it.
HAPPY PRIDE!
To:
Megan thee Stallion
Emma Darcy
Tems
G-Dragon
Plastique Tiara
Indya Moore
Thank you all for keeping my honest, vulnerable, and true to myself and my feelings, even if it were only in my own mind and wildest fantasies.