Another Year, Another Ending
Rest in Peace Reggie Ward, Sr.
My Uncle died.
Like, the type of Uncle that isn’t blood related, but by chosen care and love. Reggie was a world class (and world tour tested) musician. He was a father and grandfather, a son and friend. He was an uncle and peer. He was a husband. For me, he was one of the few ties that I have to my stepfather who died over 25 years ago. His death was quick and has sent a shock through our family - chosen or otherwise - and has suspended me in a strange limbo of emotions as this year comes to a close and we look towards 2025.
2024 has been the type of year that, from the very beginning, the cracks were already very clear to anyone who is tapped into the energy of the universe. And there have been surprises, upsets, tragedy, and joy as with any other year in time. But 2024 has had its own feeling of unfurling doom and dread and fatigue.
So much of our reasoning to leave the United States was because my family and I really started to listen to what our intuition and gut was telling us about how 2024 was going to unfold. In February, we started the process of solidifying our decision to leave the country and live as global nomads. And since our actual move in August, we’ve continued to feel like we made the best decision for ourselves as a family unit. Many of you who know us personally, or just follow along, casually, on our travel social media accounts have been privy to the cool adventures and pictures of the last 4 months. There’s been lots to see and eat and learn. Being able to watch my kids explore the world has been more magical than I have words to explain. The earth is their classroom (just the other day at a market in Thailand, we saw old advertisement signs from the 1940s/50s US and the prices of things sparked questions from the girls about why prices change so much but people’s wages haven’t. Damond and I got to explain macro economics and capitalistic greed!).
The other morning, I woke up, and realized that I’m no longer startled out of my sleep by an alarm clock, none of us use alarms anymore. There is something that is so freeing, so liberating, about not starting my day by the screeching of machinery, but by allowing my body to wake up and readjust to consciousness naturally. Life has slowed down, significantly, and I have time to just sit and ponder. To think and then write. To be more thoughtful and intentional about the words I use when speaking to those I love. A slowness that has allowed us to understand our family bond without the pressures of American productivity hustle culture.
All of this, and so much more, is true and wonderful… but…. my Uncle died.
My Uncle died and I can’t be there. My Dad was in the hospital and I couldn’t be there. Two close friends are going through separations in their marriages and I can’t be there. Friends are starting businesses, having babies, buying homes, losing parents, and living life and I’m not there.
I’m struggling not being present for the people I love. I’m also struggling with what this means for/about me. In my life, I’ve been a nosy, know-it-all, busy body; I’ve been overly involved in the lives of people around me. And while that hasn’t always served me well (I’ve lost plenty of friends because I was too controlling over what I thought they should be doing), it is how I share care for those around me. I continue to seek balance in how I’m able to show-up, but not being able to show-up at all feels like I am failing in my care. I know that none of my relationships are so fragile that anyone else feels like I’m failing them, but I do.
Another thing I often have a hard time reconciling in that I’m no longer ‘in the struggle’. I’m not ‘in the fight’ for justice and liberation in ways I’ve been over the course of my career. And something about that feels disingenuous.
How am I supposed to encourage and motivate people to action with my pontification (she types with an eyeroll), when I’m chilling in the jungles of Vietnam or Thailand drinking iced tea? It sounds absurd to me, too, when I read it. I KNOW that rest is one of the biggest pieces of liberation and abolition work. That in order for us to get liberated, to imagine something more for ourselves as a species, we have to be able to be rested and tapped into our dreamscape. I know that an absolute truth of the violence that capitalism perpetuates is exhaustion. We get too exhausted to take care of our health, sustain meaningful relationships, or spend anytime enjoying this precious existence we have. I know that. And yet, I’m having a hard time believing that for myself. I feel like a fraud having walked away from that fight.
I’m looking forward to 2025. I think there are a lot of things we are going to have to figure out as a species and a planet. There’s a lot of soul searching that needs to happen on a mass global scale - and I’m not sure it’s going to happen - but I am excited. I’m excited to figure out how to continue to balance this new normal of mine. Of not being physically present for those I love. For not feeling like I am entirely plugged in to the fight for our humanity back home, but still having perspective and expertise, knowledge and care to offer to my comrades doing the hard work of organizing and educating on the frontlines of this fight for us. I will continue to get better and be better for myself, and for you, too. For people. For this world. I will continue to struggle and love and care, deeply, with and for humanity. I will figure it out in 2025. I will, also, continue to offer myself softness and grace as I seek spaces in which to heal my body, my psyche, spirit, my ego. All of these things stay in misalignment under the current structures of the Western world, I left with the explicit intent to heal those parts of myself. I will get better at being kind to me.
That’s my wish for all of you reading this:
2025 brings the opportunity to be better. Be better for humanity, for community, for the planet, and better to yourselves. I hope that 2025 brings about clarity of methods and modes of care for the whole. I hope that self-care leads you to denouncing the harmful stratification that has been thrust upon us by the powers that be, keeping us disconnected from each other and from the earth. My wish is that, in 2025, you can imagine beyond the benchmarks and aspirations of the cruelty of our current culture and into a space that de-centers money and re-centers humanity and what is inherently sacred and shared among us all.
There’s a lot of work to do in 2025. Lots to focus on. Lots of ways to be better as individuals and as a collective. But today, I don’t have philosophical musings or encouragement for collectivism. Right now, on December 30th, 2024, I’m grieving. 2024 has given a lot to grieve, but today I’m grieving because…
My Uncle died.
S.O.S Band Tribute to Reggie Ward
*If you want to donate flowers for the services happening in Stone Mountain, GA on 1.2.2025 you can check the website HERE.
*If you’d like to contribute to the medical costs, please check out the fundraising page HERE.
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My condolences. My uncle passed recently and it's hard to assess because they've always just been there. On another note, I've never had a soft life and probably never will. I'm glad you got out. There are many others doing the same. I live through you all. Happy New Year.