A Letter to My Friend

as you struggle with life.

Dear Friend -

I am sorry that life feels so hard right now. I am sorry that the world feels as overwhelming as it does; especially because it’s becoming more and more clear that you don’t currently posses the skills to navigate it. I know that I am not a therapist or a licensed professional, but I wanted to write you this letter and offer some of the lessons and wisdoms I’ve learned over time.

I guess the first place I’ll start is with the truth that we are social creatures and need real and authentic relationships with others where we can be vulnerable and give and recieve grace and accountability (I mention grace and accountability, alot!). Here’s the part that can feel really hard: when we build authentic relationships with others, we open ourselves up to being hurt. And that idea is scary and can make us want to close in on ourselves. I often find myself concerned that, maybe, vulnerability isn’t something that you’ve been practiced in. And, I get it, it’s hard and scary, but I hold on to the fact that the harder and scarier thing is to end up without any real bonds in life. Surrounding ourselves with fleeting and surface level relationships can feel good in the moment, and often scratch the itch of needing to feel accepted and validated. I think the hardest thing to accept is that sometimes, when we are in very real, authentic, and vulnerable relationships, care looks different than what we expect. Care comes in hard truths and boundary setting. Care can look like reminders of where you can be a better person, and where you are taking large missteps. And in those moments, it feels hard and like rejection, but allowing ourselves to be corrected and loved in real relationship is one of the first steps towards living a happy and fulfilled life.

The next thing I’ll say is, you can be wrong AND often are. Allow yourself to be corrected in your actions and how you interact with others. Something that was a hard lesson for me to learn is that when someone creates a boundary or takes the opportunity to correct me, they are ultimately trying to preserve the relationship. They aren’t discarding me or trying to make me feel worse about myself, but are trying (usually REALLY hard) to create the conditions for us to maintain a connection. And in reality, we are all flawed and constantly making mistakes. I’ve mentioned it before:

We are all perfectly perfect AND perfectly flawed; all at the same time.

Sometimes it feels like you don’t believe either of those things about yourself. You are not ‘all wrong’ or ‘completely f*cked up’. AND you are not always in the right, you have flaws in your actions and thinking. You have to accept both of these things with equal and full certainty. Your existence is not wrong; you deserve to be here and to find love and care and happiness. You have value, just by existing. AND, your actions are fallable. You make mistakes - BIG ones. There are flaws in your thinking, which create flaws in your actions and reactions. All of this is just the nature of existing as a human. Neither is a referrendum of good or bad, it all just exists as we do. Allow people to celebrate you and allow people to lend a hand and help correct and navigate through troubling behaviors and thought patterns.

The thing about needing to never being seen as wrong or thinking that if perfection isn’t the outcome the thing must be thrown away, is that it just grounds us in harmful and violent dominant culture. And as someone who’s standing next to you, I can see the violence being inacted on you at every turn. This system of violence is now self-sustaining and deeply engrained in how you treat and see yourself. You’ve allowed these systems to run so rampant in your mind and spirit that no one else has to inact violence on your psyche; you are now perpetuating the systems internally. Vulnerability is the antidote for feeling disconnected and seperated from others and from ourselves. But, as mentioned above, vulnerability can feel scary and hard - so, instead of trying something new that could save us, we dig our heels in to the thing we know, even though it is destroying us.

Everything else I want to share is rooted in Buddha’s teachings (life is suffering), and/or the Four Agreements (never take anything personal and don’t make assumptions). While I believe in those things, the last thing I want to share with you is: you are active in your life; it is not just happening to you/at you. Every choice you make is YOURS and, while it’s hard, you are the only one accountable for your actions and reactions. In any given situation in your life, you ABSOLUTELY have to own some of the outcome. Things are not always only happening to/at you; you are involved. And I understand that life is easier when we can point all the blame in other places, it keeps us in a mindframe where we feel helpless and with no control over our own fate. It becomes an excuse and keeps us feeling weak and full of despair. It’s easier then; to think that we have zero hand in the situations we are in - espeically as it pertains to our personal relationship (we aren’t talking large systems). But that is not how relationships work. One of the first ways to move towards growth and finding love and joy through genuine connection is accepting that. Accepting that YOU are the largest contributor to why your relationships have ended up where they have and to think critically about YOUR choices and behaviors in each relationship.

I struggle to maintain my sense of self-love and self-acceptance, everyday. One of the ways I’m able to do it, with clarity and honesty, is by listening to the ways the people who are closest to me, reveal my reflection. I see myself more clearly through their eyes. All of my flaws and all of my perfections are illuminated and I get to sit and learn and evolve in my humanity and personhood because of it. I resist the urge to resist the hard truths about me, and lean in to the urge to accentuate my unique brilliance that shines through. But I know that I am the one choosing to resist and/or lean in. And when the urge to resist or get defensive crops up, I know that’s when I have to lean in, even more. Because I want to be better for my community, for the people around me whom I care for, and for ME. I know that I cannot be the victim AND the hero, all at once in every scenario. And so, I take a lot of time for self-reflection and self-correction.

My hope is that you find a practice for both.

Our quest for collective liberation has room for all of us; flaws and all. There is space for you here, but you’ve got to decide to do the hard work. To resist the urge to be defensive and abducate your role in your life. Embrace that you are perfectly perfect AND perfectly flawed - and act accordingly.

With Love, Care, and Seeking Liberation,

Emerald A.F.